


Love advice of the hands-on type

by myoue



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Jean Kirschtein & Eren Yeager, M/M, Relationship Advice, implied Jean Kirschtein/Armin Arlert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-08
Updated: 2014-05-08
Packaged: 2018-01-23 21:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1580210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myoue/pseuds/myoue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean seeks relationship advice from Eren who uses his established boyfriend Levi to showcase various portrayals of love. They end up on top of each other like all shameless flirting couples do, and Jean regrets every decision he's ever made in life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love advice of the hands-on type

**Author's Note:**

> who likes cute boyfriends and stupid friends? i do.
> 
>  **EDIT:** there is [ART](http://mitsucchi.co.vu/post/87220455670) by [mitsucchi](http://mitsucchi.co.vu/)!!!

“What was that kid’s name again?” Levi asks.

Eren calls over the hiss of boiling steam from the kitchen, “Who? Jean?”

“No. That kid who's coming over who you said has the face of a barnyard animal that likes to be ridden long and hard into the sunset.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s Jean.”

“Jean? Sounds like a prissy name. No wonder.”

“He’s kind of a priss and kind of a jackass, and forewarning: he might end up making some comments about your… appearance.”

Eren stirs the remaining sugar into his coffee, putting the spoon in the sink and bringing both cups to the living room. Setting down Levi’s cup beside the whirring laptop that Levi continues to work away on, Eren brings his cup around to the other side of the table, sitting down and sipping all the way.

“Thanks,” Levi grunts, picking up the coffee to drink. He doesn’t even look up, eyes shining off the gleam of the computer. “What was that about my height?”

“I didn’t say height.” Eren sips away innocently.

“You said  _appearance_.”

Eren shrugs. “Maybe he’ll comment on how badass your haircut is. Or how cool your designer glasses look.  _Or_  how nice your eyes look when you’re concentrated on whatever it is you’re doing... writing business reports, firing people who don’t deserve it, maybe looking at porn…”

“Shut the fuck up, Eren. I’m doing none of those things. Especially not that last one. At least, right now.”

“Hey!” Eren exclaims, putting his cup down and folding his arms like an unhappy teenager. “Am I not enough for you, my sweet honey? That you have to resort to something so filthy and  _not me_.”

“I  _meant_  porn of you.” Levi lets out a swear when he drinks too fast and burns his tongue, as if this was perfectly coordinated divine punishment for upsetting Eren. “I’ve got them all saved on here. We should do more.”

"Yeah!" Eren agrees, but not in the way Levi was thinking. “How come we never record you? It’s always me. That’s no fun.”

“Because… shut the fuck up.”

“That’s mean!”

There’s a sudden knocking at the door, to which Eren is immediately getting up to go answer. He opens it to a frazzled Jean, eyes dead and lifeless like he was playing too many zombie games that he managed to successfully turn into a zombie himself. He looks like he spent too much of his time deciding which sweater vest to wear instead of pulling a comb through his stupid two-toned hair to at least try to straighten out the odd sticking up ends.

“Hey. Lemme in and stop staring,” Jean grumbles, fixing a hand over the strap of his bag and pulling it tiredly off his shoulder to drag on the ground.

“I’m staring because you look extra stupid today,” Eren replies, moving out of the way to let him in.

Jean closes the door behind him with a huff before bending down to pull off his shoes to throw somewhere haphazardly in the walkway. “You already know why that is. Stop being such a shithead.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Would you like something to drink?” Eren offers like the nice host he is.

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

“Good. I wasn’t going to give you anything anyway.”

As he leads Jean in, Eren lets him put his stuff wherever and goes back to the dining table, expecting Jean to come on his own. Eren takes his cup of coffee and circles around to sit beside Levi, leaning his head on his lover's shoulder who doesn’t move an inch and continues to tap away.

“I don't understand how anyone can put up living with you.” Jean rolls his eyes, taking a seat across from them at the table. This seems oddly like a therapist-patient type meeting, and Eren being the therapist is simply laughable. Eren waits for Jean to start his what seems like an undoubtedly contrived story on Jean's part, but Jean instead glances over at Levi first. “Uh hi, I’m Jean. You must be Eren's…”

“Levi.” Levi looks up from the screen of his laptop, stares at Jean rather blankly, and then looks back down. “So, you’re the barnyard animal.”

Jean looks shocked. “The what?”

“Nothing!” Eren cuts in, smiling unnaturally wide and waving a hand in the air as if he could physically wipe away the words from the conversation. He gives Levi a betraying glare, who either refuses to see it or refuses to care. Eren laughs the awkward away. “He said nothing. Anyway, so tell me about this problem you have. Something about my BFF Armin, and how you can’t get in his pants and make him happy.”

“That’s not it!” Jean flushes, scratching awkwardly at his shoulder. He looks like he's about to get to the explaining, but he opens and closes his mouth yet again to pause and drag his eyes back up at Levi to give him a tentative look. “Does he have to be here? Can we maybe talk in private?” Jean remarks unsurely to Eren.

Eren is the one looking mock shocked now. “How dare you even suggest such a thing!” He pouts, grabbing onto Levi’s arm to hug it. “He’s my husband and he’s not going anywhere, so deal with it.”

“I’m not your husband,” Levi deadpans.

“Fine, my wife. Anyway, Jean, can we please talk about what you’re actually here for? Armin? Are you being a bitch to him?”

“No!” Jean retorts once more, looking fed up with words being put in his mouth even though Eren enjoys it so much. “Well, no see the thing is. I don’t know… how to be a better boyfriend?”

“Eh?” Eren questions, scrunching his eyebrows together and frowning at Jean, who looks uncomfortable with being scrutinized so hard. “You serious? And you decided to come to me?” Eren leans back in his chair as if their time here is already done and looking purposefully doubtful of Jean's true intentions.

“It’s just, I thought I’d come to you because your relationship with Levi seems to be going well, at least that's what you've been telling me. And you seem so happy, so…”

“The question is, am  _I_  happy?” Levi pipes up.

“Shut up. You are,” Eren says, pinching Levi lightly through his sweater. Levi lets him and continues to ignore them again. Eren actually thinks he’ll try to help now, though. “Specifically, what do you think it is that you guys have problems with?”

“Well…” Jean seems to contemplate. He fiddles with his hands on the table. “Just… I dunno. Timing, I guess? Like he’s really busy with work and stuff, and I don’t know if I’m bothering him a lot of the time. And when we do get some free time together, sometimes all he’ll talk about is work and I’m interested in that stuff but not that interested. Or sometimes he’ll push me down and I’ll think it’s an accident so I’ll go to apologize, but he’ll look at me with these eyes and I won’t know what to do…”

“Okaay, slow down,” Eren says, shifting around to get comfortable in his seat and place his hands firmly around his coffee mug. “First of all, you’re a gigantic wuss. I can’t believe you act like that around him.”

“Yeah, well!” Jean looks away embarrassedly to try to real in his pride. “That’s how it is, okay? Now can you help me or not?”

“He sounds like a lost cause,” Levi cuts in again, taking another sip from his Eren-given coffee.

“No way!” Eren pumps a fist to his chest like he's sworn an oath to help all bros embarking on the path to boyfriendhood. “Jean may be a total loser, but I’m confident I can help him be the perfect boyfriend for Armin!”

“Why are you guys talking about me like I’m not here.” Jean looks half-annoyed half-sad.

“Okay, so let’s do this one step at a time,” Eren says instead of answering Jean, opting to spread his hands on the table like he’s about to create the ultimate map of love. “It seems like you have a lot of communication problems. Next time, try to actually tell him how you feel.”

“That’s what the problem is here!” Jean looks exasperated already. “How do I do that without being a completely inconsiderate bag of dicks?”

“Like this.”

Eren turns towards Levi, who still tries to act detached from the current state of affairs. But not for long because Eren takes Levi's cheeks in his hands, forcefully turning his head towards him. Levi now looks pissed behind the metal frames of his glasses and not understanding what is currently going on.

“Levi,” Eren starts to say seriously and voraciously, leaning his face in until their noses are just barely a centimetre apart. “I think you’re hella hot in those glasses, and you should take me right here right now on the floor.”

He waits for a response, which admittedly only takes a single beat of silence.

“You're a dildo, Eren.”

Eren releases Levi’s face, who rubs at his cheeks and goes back to typing away. Eren sits back down in his seat with his hands behind his head and a triumphant smirk on his lips. “And that’s how you do it, Jean.”

“What!” Jean looks flabbergasted, looking back and forth between the two of them like he’s missed something here. “What did that accomplish? You got turned down so fast it broke the sound barrier. Although, I don’t think I’d have wanted to see what would happen anyway if you didn’t get turned down…”

“ _Yes, but,_ ” Eren emphasizes, holding a knowledgeable finger up, “now he’s super hard, and he’s going to want me bad for the rest of the day.”

“I’m not hard, and I do not,” Levi informs him.

“He does,” Eren confirms. “So just straight up tell Armin next time. Say ‘Those work things sound really interesting, but you know what else sounds interesting? Our hands down each other’s pants’.”

“Oh my god.” Jean buries his face into his hands and lets out the longest groan. This practically convinces Eren that Jean is sexually frustrated to the max. “You give the worst advice, Jaeger. Literally the worst.”

“Hey, shut your fucking mouth, you piece of trash,” Levi suddenly barks out, stilling his hands on the keyboard. “Eren is trying his best.”

“Thank you, my darling.” Eren smiles at his lover, and Jean looks like he wants to punch himself in the face numerous times. Despite this, Eren decides he'll ignore any self-harm intentions Jean plans on committing, and places a hand to his chin to look thoughtful. “Okay, I think we need to try a different approach then. You said you have problems with timing?”

“...Yeah.” Jean looks skeptical about continuing, glancing apprehensively at Levi as if he can just sense another dubious comment coming out of him and then looking back at Eren like he's talking to a lunatic. Suddenly, he can understand why these two get along so well.

“Like you feel like you’re always bothering him because he’s busy and stuff?” Eren says.

“Yeah.”

“Then make time!” Eren concludes like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and ignores more unimpressed glares from Jean in his direction. “Set a specific time for a date or something. Or tell him to take a break every so often so you can do a quickie.”

“Do you literally always have sex on your mind?” Jean asks, holding his head in his hands again.

“Yeah,” Eren replies, unfazed like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Levi silently agrees. “Don’t you? Why else would you be here?”

Jean looks up, bewildered. “Uh, maybe to talk about normal things? Like simple non-explicit things. Do those kinds of things even exist in your mind?”

“Okay, okay. I get it. Things like this, right?” Eren reaches over to grasp the handle of Levi’s coffee mug to hold it up in example. “You should do little things for Armin like make him coffee every so often. Even though he’s busy, it’ll show you care and you’re here for him. I made this for Levi just the way he likes it. One cream, one sugar, and I take a sip of it before I give it to him so he can taste a little of me too.” Eren winks and takes another sip from Levi’s cup for emphasis.

“Don’t ever do that again.” Levi is grabbing the cup back and putting it on the other side of the table out of Eren’s reach.

Eren whines at the indication. “Aw, come on. It’s not like I spit in it. Unless you'd like that?”

“You are absolutely gross.”

Jean just facepalms himself once more because this is not getting him anywhere. “I’ll try the coffee thing then,” he agrees, nodding understandably to himself. “Although, Armin normally makes it for himself anyway.”

“Jean!” Eren chastises, ready to slap Jean in the face for his extremely unloving lack of boyfriend tendencies. “How can you let this go on for so long? Don't you have any pride? Don't you have morals? Don't you have any  _humanity?_ ”

“I don’t know!" Jean takes a defensive position, holding his hands up before Eren can start biting at him like a dog with bared teeth. "How was I supposed to know to do this? Am I supposed to race him to the coffee machine?”

“Take some initiative!”

“How?”

“Do I have to spell out everything for you?”

“Well, no. But.”

“Listen up and listen close, okay?” Eren commands. He sits up on top of his knees on the chair facing Levi. Clearing his throat, he starts to speak in the most exaggeratedly polite voice he can muster, fluttering his eyelashes and smiling pleasantly. The contrast from his earlier demeaner is astounding and praise-worthy. “Levi, honeycake, would you like me to make you some coffee?”

“I already have coffee, Eren,” Levi says like he’s getting tired of Eren’s bullshit.

“Tea?”

“Tea and coffee do not mix.”

“ _Or me?_ ” Eren whispers just into Levi’s ear. But it’s so quiet in the room that Jean can hear anyway and proceeds to splutter and choke on himself, covering his ears and shaking his head like it would physically repel the words away from his brain.

Levi just puts a hand to Eren’s face and shoves him away with a violent push. “Don’t tempt me, Eren,” he grinds out, jaw locking together with restraint. Eren grins like he’s already won.

“Jean,” Eren calls to him without looking, reeling back in to keep his nose close to the side of Levi’s face. “This is where you’re going to want to start taking notes.”

“How about no.” Jean shudders visibly, backing up in his chair a bit.

Eren begins to hum a low growl in the back of his throat, prompting Levi to twitch from the guttural sound combined with the close proximity and Eren’s feral intensity. His movements on the keyboard have stopped for a while now, and Eren notices Levi is just staring blindly at the screen whilst not blinking at all. Eren loops an arm around the back of Levi’s neck, tugging him closer and pecking the side of his cheek.

“Jean,” Eren says breathily, and Jean jumps at the sound. “Make sure to give Armin lots of love. Cherish him, okay?” Eren moves to lick a hot stripe up Levi’s face, showing Jean by example exactly what he should do as proper cherishing. It seems like Jean is too stunned to move or speak.

Eren suddenly feels Levi’s body stiffen under his touch before Levi's voice becomes strained with threatening.

“If I hear you say his name like that one more time...” He grabs Eren’s chin, squishing his cheeks together with his thumb and forefinger and narrowing his eyes, “...I’m going to kick your ass.”

Eren perks up, excited. Not excited like a puppy, but more excited-manipulative with a sinister glint in his eyes. “Are you going to punish me?” he murmurs, sticking his tongue out obstinately as if indicating for Levi to lick it.

And Levi does because he’s seen Eren do this so many times and they’ve lived together for so long that Levi can practically read his mind, and right now Eren's mind says  _Lick me, you workaholic whore_. Levi laps at his tongue before squeezing Eren’s jaw harder and forcing his mouth open to breathe hot breath into it.

“You’re just asking for it, aren’t you?” Levi growls, putting his lips into the space of Eren’s open mouth as if waiting for Eren to swallow him whole.

“Okay!” Jean calls out, breaking out of his stupor to laugh slowly and awkwardly. He scrapes his chair back to stand up. “I think I’m intruding. But this has been fun. I guess? So I think I should just…”

“You little...!” Levi suddenly cries out when Eren begins to attack at the side of his jaw and suck on the skin of his neck. He’s moving on top of Levi, sitting his ass atop Levi’s thighs on the chair, and Levi is pulling desperately at the back of his shirt. His work on the computer becomes forgotten, and apparently so does Jean.

“Mmm… You’ve been bad this whole time, Levi,” Eren moans, producing exaggerated and unnecessarily loud wet noises as he laps at Levi’s skin. Levi smells good: like coffee and sexual repression. He straddles over Levi's crotch, gently hovering over it and making Levi let out a breathy sigh in response, who rubs his fingers into Eren’s back now. “Ignoring me like that. How cruel. You could have played along at least a little bit.”

“Yeah, I’m really going now…” they hear Jean say from behind them including the rustling and hauling of a bag over his shoulder.

“Your friend is leaving,” Levi tells him vaguely, closing his eyes as Eren pushes a hand up his shirt.

“He can stay. I don’t mind him watching.” Eren begins kissing at Levi’s face again, around the crux of his cheekbones and near the crinkle of his eyes. “In fact, he should really be taking notes right now.”

“ _I_  mind,” Levi says firmly, starting to knot a hand into Eren’s hair. “You’re mine. No one but me can see you like this. He needs to leave.”

Eren chuckles into Levi's skin. "Oh, I like when you call me yours. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, like one-of-a-kind. You're mine too, Levi, my lovely sugar bunny."

"Don't ever call me that again."

"Fine. But you're still my wife. You're not taking that one away from me."

"...Fine."

“I’m leaving,” Jean calls from the hallway and putting on his shoes as hastily as he can. He can still hear the gasps that come out of Eren and the sighs that Levi makes, not to mention the gross commentary that comes out of both their mouths when they're not being used for other things. “…Not fast enough,” Jean adds to himself. Why did he decide this was a good idea again?

They hear the door slam shut and they break apart to look at each other for just a moment.

“He’s gone," Levi says. "Finally."

“Yeah. What say we record you today? Let me just get my phone.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

**Author's Note:**

> jean can hear them all the way from outside. god, what would the neighbours think.


End file.
